REBUILDING

INHALE – EXHALE. That has been my very simple motto lately. Just remembering to breathe has been my main focus. I’m going to share this with as much grace + class as I possibly can. Obviously there is pain associated with something like this, which can bring out bitterness. I have been trying hard to release those feelings & trust that karma & the universe will take care of everything for me.

I’ve been missing in action on here because I not only powered through that entire MBA math course in less than a month (& recently found out I was accepted into the program … more on that next week!), but I also went through a painful breakup. It was one of those things where you know it’s the right thing to do but it also hurts SO much. To let go of your best friend is just straight up hard. Those of you who know me personally, know that I am a very empathetic and deep soul. People don’t just come & go easily in my life. People who I become close to, become MY people. I would do anything for my people. I am fiercely loyal & protective of my people. I love my people hard.

Well I have learned that sometimes “my people” won’t always look out for me in that same regard. I have learned that I cannot expect people to love as deeply as I do. I am convinced some people are just not capable. And that has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with them. A few years ago, I would have blamed myself & obsessively thought of things that I could have “done better”. Well, not anymore. I have grown SO MUCH. My confidence is MUCH higher & I truly know my self worth. This level of self love did NOT come easily. I have been through some pretty crazy things the last 5-6 years relationship wise. I’ve put in the work though. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve read, researched, journaled & put in the hard work to get myself to this place. I need a partner who has also put in the work & is ready to be their best self.

It’s really hard to admit defeat and give up on something/someone I tried so hard for. I know I shouldn’t refer to it as defeat but in reality it sort of is. I gave it my all – I really was genuine in ALL my actions. I was patient, kind, loving, encouraging, loyal and faithful. There is not a single thing I regret on my end. Betrayal is a jolting & traumatic feeling when it catches you off guard. I never once inflicted the type of pain that was inflicted upon me numerous times. When I sit here & think about how much I tolerated, I am not proud. But at the same time, that’s who I am. A lover, a fighter for what I believe in & those I love, a good woman. There were things done that just were NOT OKAY. Things that caused me deep pain & things I’m not even sure can be forgiven. I have tried but some things are unforgivable. You can’t recover fully from some things. I will most likely battle some of these things in the years to come. I’m working on that part because I know that will allow me to fully heal & be at peace. Even with forgiveness, these things will always be with me. Deeply engrained in my memories & soul.

Overall, I am doing well. I am staying strong & focusing SO hard on my healing & inner peace. I am believing that it will be worth it. I am trusting HARD. I have sat alone with an unbelievable amount of discomfort & not given in. I am sitting with this pain now, so that I will be whole again for my future soulmate. I am learning to live without someone, whom I was so close with. That is really hard. I am grieving a loss that is indescribable. I am leaning into the unknown & rolling with the new tides. There are times it hits me in gut wrenching waves, I am not going to lie. I have broken down @ the most random times. But every single time I have pulled myself up. Although there were some pretty rough times, obviously there were a lot of really good times & memories too. Those are the times that make me sad. I just keep allowing myself to feel all the feels and then move past them. Mia has been the biggest blessing I have. Her unconditional love has helped me stay positive every day.

I decided to go on a mini vacay to Phoenix & Scottsdale, AZ to continue my healing. Travel always helps my soul and traveling solo always makes me feel so confident in my abilities. I can conquer anything I want in life. I don’t need a man to do anything for me. Would I like one for a companion, ABSOLUTELY! I still believe in true love. But I also do not NEED one to complete me.

I have no doubt I will recover from this. I am not sure how long it will take, but I know I won’t give up.

One of my goals for this weekend in Phoenix was to hike Camelback Mountain on my own. It’s the highest mountain in PHX. It was hard, not gonna lie, but I did it! All 9,382 steps. It was an invigorating experience I will never forget.

ONWARDS & UPWARDS.

SUNSET LOVIN

I love me a good sunset & my new place does not disappoint. Part of why I decided on this particular unit was the view. I cannot get over some of the sunsets. Here are some of my favorite shots.

HOME SWEET HOME

We made it into our new digs! It’s been an exhausting last couple days, make that the last 3 weeks since this adventure started! From purging & selling all my stuff to purchasing new space appropriate items, planning out my layout and actually moving in, its been a whirlwind! I am so happy with everything though. I’m already unpacked and 90% decorated. I’m going to just live here a few weeks and see what other decor/art I think I need.

Mia is adjusting, slowly but surely. This place is A LOT different than our Uptown gem. The community spaces & amenities are absolutely amazing and beautiful! All the artwork in the building is by local Minneapolis artists, which is really cool. They went the extra mile on everything.

I am going to leave you with a picture tour this week. No words are even needed as the pictures definitely speak volumes!

And finally, my view. WOW.

LIFE LATELY

It has been a whirlwind the last couple weeks around here.

It all started two weeks ago when I decided to go tour a new place in Northeast, Minneapolis. It’s technically more Saint Anthony East but also in the new’ish NE area that people think of when you say NE. It is a new high-rise building which is something I have always wanted to live in for some reason. So I randomly decided to go tour it and of course, I fell in LOVE. I saw lots of floor plans and was hoping one floor plan would speak to me clearly so I wouldn’t have to make a decision, and literally ONLY ONE did! YES! It’s a studio but has a good spacious layout, huge closet, washer/dryer, and the view of a lifetime. I can see a panoramic view of Minneapolis from my window. It’s amazing. The building has ALL the amenities you could ever need too. I opted for the middle of the building. I felt a tad woozy when I went and toured a unit towards the top. They told me you can definitely feel the wind/swaying/movement up there, even on the 5th floor they have felt it! YIKES. I put in an app right then & there and was approved the following week. I had less than a month to get my current place rented out, sell almost all my belongings to fit in a studio, purchase new smaller items and pack everything. I am a major organizer if you don’t know that about me already. So I, of course, made spreadsheets on spreadsheets to keep track of all of this and plan out how I am going to get it all done. If anyone could do this insane plan, it was me. I thrive in stressful, busy situations. I am a multitasker by nature and I get these visions and can just run with them. I planned to start with a massive purge of my current place, then start selling items/purchasing new smaller ones and finally pack the last 1.5 weeks. I love purging so that was not hard for me – I always feel great when I whittle down my “stuff” and my goal is to live a more minimalistic lifestyle anyway. My sister Jessie usually benefits from these purges the most, especially in the clothes department. I have completed the purge, sold a TON of items (like all I have left is my bed, furniture wise), purchased all my new items and just have packing left which I am starting this weekend. I have been really happy in my GEM in Uptown for 5 years but it is time to move on. I feel like I’ve outgrown the people, neighborhood, and vibe there. I am looking forward to a new adventure in a new neighborhood. I am all about embracing change and those who know me, know that I am not afraid to make some drastic changes! The river is 2 blocks away, so many restaurants & stores right below me, the beautiful Stone Arch bridge is right there, and I am still super close to Downtown. The commute is surprisingly the exact amount of miles to my new job in St. Paul as it was from my Uptown place. I will for sure take some pics once I am moved in and do a post about it all.

I also started my new job and have been in the newness phase of that every day. I have caught on quickly and feel caught up & comfortable with all the new systems by now. This has been a breath of fresh air for me. I absolutely love going to work every day and everything I do comes naturally to me so it doesn’t even feel like work to me. I love the silence of working by myself. I am a true introvert and could seriously survive on an island alone. My new role is really unique because I am the only one of my kind. I don’t necessarily have a team or anyone else to compare things to. But I LOVE that and I THRIVE in roles like that. I am self-sufficient and take initiative on my own. My new role is super flexible too which is so nice. I have not once gotten the Sunday scaries @ the new job, which is awesome. The company itself is unlike anywhere I have ever worked. People truly and genuinely LOVE working there. It’s really awesome to be surrounded by positive people who believe in the same things. I am trusted in my position and I have the freedom to do what I think is best. That’s something that was lacking in my teaching position.

On the flip side of starting the new job, I officially separated from my teaching job too! EEEEKKK. I turned in the paperwork and notified my principal and staff. It was bittersweet, to say the least. I teared up a couple of times because it is really an emotional, bittersweet thing for me. I have deep ties to teaching and how it’s affected my life the last decade. I have not once regretted my decision though and know that I can always work with children in the future.

Finally, I had my big “one year mark” doctor appointment to check in on my cervix. I surprisingly only got anxious a few days before the appointment. I have come leaps and bounds since last year on this. I really have the mentality right now “it is what it is and God has a plan for me”. I had a glimmer of hope that things would check out normal and this nightmare would be over. I didn’t even have a bad gut intuition feeling, which I usually do, so I thought that meant it was going to be good news. Long story short, it was NOT good news. But also not completely horrible news either. It’s not over as I had hoped. I have to move forward with another colposcopy and biopsies in September. If those biopsies come back clean then I would be in the clear until next summer. If those biopsies show any kind of CIN, then I get another LEEP surgery, which would SUCK. We are also hoping that if there is anything visible that it has continued to stay OUTSIDE of my cervix and not creep inward as that would not be good and would need a different treatment approach. They have agreed to give me Valium before this next appointment and also lidocaine which worked so well for my LEEP last year. I was sad for sure the day I got the call on this. I felt really defeated. But ultimately I know I will be okay. It sucks, it really does, but it could be worse. I will survive and each time I go through something like this I am one step closer to getting this nasty stuff out of my body. I have hope that when they do the biopsies they come back clean and show that my body is producing good healthy cancer-free cells. As of now, we have the appointment scheduled for mid-September. My doctor is going on vacay and she felt comfortable waiting for that amount of time. I value her opinion and really do trust her judgment with this all so it was important to me to have her perform everything again.

So between all of those things and trying to have any other type of personal life, I have barely had any downtime but it’s okay. I am REALLY excited about my new job & moving. I know when I get settled in there in a couple of weeks it will all be worth it. All of these changes feel so right in my heart & soul and I really do believe the best is yet to come! Thank you all for your continued support of all my life changes.