INHALE – EXHALE. That has been my very simple motto lately. Just remembering to breathe has been my main focus. I’m going to share this with as much grace + class as I possibly can. Obviously there is pain associated with something like this, which can bring out bitterness. I have been trying hard to release those feelings & trust that karma & the universe will take care of everything for me.
I’ve been missing in action on here because I not only powered through that entire MBA math course in less than a month (& recently found out I was accepted into the program … more on that next week!), but I also went through a painful breakup. It was one of those things where you know it’s the right thing to do but it also hurts SO much. To let go of your best friend is just straight up hard. Those of you who know me personally, know that I am a very empathetic and deep soul. People don’t just come & go easily in my life. People who I become close to, become MY people. I would do anything for my people. I am fiercely loyal & protective of my people. I love my people hard.
Well I have learned that sometimes “my people” won’t always look out for me in that same regard. I have learned that I cannot expect people to love as deeply as I do. I am convinced some people are just not capable. And that has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with them. A few years ago, I would have blamed myself & obsessively thought of things that I could have “done better”. Well, not anymore. I have grown SO MUCH. My confidence is MUCH higher & I truly know my self worth. This level of self love did NOT come easily. I have been through some pretty crazy things the last 5-6 years relationship wise. I’ve put in the work though. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve read, researched, journaled & put in the hard work to get myself to this place. I need a partner who has also put in the work & is ready to be their best self.
It’s really hard to admit defeat and give up on something/someone I tried so hard for. I know I shouldn’t refer to it as defeat but in reality it sort of is. I gave it my all – I really was genuine in ALL my actions. I was patient, kind, loving, encouraging, loyal and faithful. There is not a single thing I regret on my end. Betrayal is a jolting & traumatic feeling when it catches you off guard. I never once inflicted the type of pain that was inflicted upon me numerous times. When I sit here & think about how much I tolerated, I am not proud. But at the same time, that’s who I am. A lover, a fighter for what I believe in & those I love, a good woman. There were things done that just were NOT OKAY. Things that caused me deep pain & things I’m not even sure can be forgiven. I have tried but some things are unforgivable. You can’t recover fully from some things. I will most likely battle some of these things in the years to come. I’m working on that part because I know that will allow me to fully heal & be at peace. Even with forgiveness, these things will always be with me. Deeply engrained in my memories & soul.
Overall, I am doing well. I am staying strong & focusing SO hard on my healing & inner peace. I am believing that it will be worth it. I am trusting HARD. I have sat alone with an unbelievable amount of discomfort & not given in. I am sitting with this pain now, so that I will be whole again for my future soulmate. I am learning to live without someone, whom I was so close with. That is really hard. I am grieving a loss that is indescribable. I am leaning into the unknown & rolling with the new tides. There are times it hits me in gut wrenching waves, I am not going to lie. I have broken down @ the most random times. But every single time I have pulled myself up. Although there were some pretty rough times, obviously there were a lot of really good times & memories too. Those are the times that make me sad. I just keep allowing myself to feel all the feels and then move past them. Mia has been the biggest blessing I have. Her unconditional love has helped me stay positive every day.
I decided to go on a mini vacay to Phoenix & Scottsdale, AZ to continue my healing. Travel always helps my soul and traveling solo always makes me feel so confident in my abilities. I can conquer anything I want in life. I don’t need a man to do anything for me. Would I like one for a companion, ABSOLUTELY! I still believe in true love. But I also do not NEED one to complete me.
I have no doubt I will recover from this. I am not sure how long it will take, but I know I won’t give up.
One of my goals for this weekend in Phoenix was to hike Camelback Mountain on my own. It’s the highest mountain in PHX. It was hard, not gonna lie, but I did it! All 9,382 steps. It was an invigorating experience I will never forget.
ONWARDS & UPWARDS.